When I first read the line, ‘Co-founder relationships are like marriage, but without the sex’, in the book ‘The Founder’s Dilemma’, it made me pause and think.
It was an ‘Aha’ moment for me, and I thought, why not look at some learnings from the world’s most incredible institute dedicated to studying marriage relationships – the Gottman Lab!
For the uninitiated- The Gottman Lab, a.ka. The Gottman Institute is a respected research and therapy organization led by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They specialize in studying relationships, particularly marriages, and creating effective strategies to enhance and strengthen them. Their impactful work in couples therapy has benefited numerous individuals and couples.
What’s fascinating to me is that Dr. Gottman is known to predict divorce in couples with an accuracy rate of around 90% based on specific behaviors and interaction patterns observed during a relatively short observation period, sometimes in 15 mins. He uses what he calls the “Four Horsemen” theory to describe communication patterns that are highly predictive of relationship conflict and deterioration.
While initially used to analyze romantic relationships, these concepts are equally applicable in gaining a deeper understanding of co-founder relationships. The Four Horsemen are:
1. Criticism
Criticism involves making personal attacks or attacking a person’s character, rather than focusing on specific behaviors or issues.
In the context of co-founder conflict, criticism can manifest as attacking the other co-founder’s competence or character, rather than addressing specific concerns or behaviors related to the business.
For eg: Sarah and Mark are cofounders working on a project. During a team meeting, Sarah says, “You always come up with unrealistic ideas. Can’t you be more practical like the rest of us?” Sarah’s statement attacks Mark’s character and undermines his contributions, making him feel devalued and defensive.
How to mitigate:
- Practice using “I” statements instead of attacking the other person. Express your concerns or needs by focusing on specific behaviors or situations rather than attacking their character.
- Offer constructive feedback and suggestions for improvement rather than criticizing or belittling their contributions.
- Cultivate a culture of open and respectful communication where both partners feel comfortable sharing their perspectives without the fear of harsh judgment.
2. Contempt
Contempt includes behaviors such as sarcasm, ridicule, cynicism, or any form of communication that conveys a sense of superiority and disrespect.
In co-founder relationships, contempt rears its ugly head when one partner belittles or dismisses the opinions, ideas, or contributions of the other.
For Eg: Lisa and John are co-founders running a startup. During a discussion about a new marketing strategy, Lisa smirks and mocks John’s suggestions, saying, “Oh, brilliant idea! Maybe we should just hire a circus clown to promote our product!” Lisa’s contemptuous tone and sarcasm belittle John’s ideas, creating a hostile and disrespectful environment.
How to mitigate:
- Foster empathy and understanding by actively listening to the other person’s point of view.
- Cultivate a culture of appreciation and respect, acknowledging each other’s strengths and contributions.
- When disagreements arise, focus on the issue at hand rather than resorting to sarcasm, cynicism, or demeaning comments.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when one partner responds to criticism or perceived attack by deflecting blame, making excuses, or refusing to take responsibility.
In the co-founder context, defensiveness may arise when one partner fails to acknowledge their own mistakes, avoids accountability, or shifts blame onto the other.
For Eg: Lex and Chris are co-founders having a disagreement about the direction of the company. As Chris raises concerns, Alex immediately becomes defensive, saying, “Well, if you had done your job properly, we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Alex’s defensiveness shifts blame unto Chris instead of acknowledging the valid concerns, hindering productive problem-solving.
How to mitigate:
- Take responsibility for your role in conflicts and be open to acknowledging your mistakes or shortcomings.
- Practice active listening and seek to understand the other person’s concerns before becoming defensive.
- Avoid deflecting blame or making excuses. Instead, engage in constructive problem-solving and find solutions together.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to withdrawing or shutting down during a conflict, often by refusing to engage, ignoring the other person, or emotionally shutting off.
In co-founder relationships, stonewalling can manifest as one partner disengaging from discussions, avoiding important conversations, or becoming emotionally distant.
For Eg: Emma and Mike are cofounders facing a challenging decision. As Emma tries to discuss the options, Mike withdraws emotionally, staring blankly and refusing to engage. He dismisses Emma’s attempts at conversation with silence, leaving her feeling unheard and frustrated. Mike’s stonewalling shuts down communication and escalates tension.
How to mitigate:
- Recognise when you or your cofounder are becoming emotionally overwhelmed and need a break. Communicate the need for a timeout and set a specific time to revisit the conversation.
- During the break, engage in self-care activities to calm yourself and regain emotional balance.
- Come back to the conversation with a willingness to listen and find common ground. Practice active engagement and demonstrate your commitment to finding solutions.
These communication patterns can erode trust, create hostility, and lead to escalating conflicts if left unaddressed. Recognising these behaviors and actively working to replace them with healthier communication styles can be crucial for maintaining a productive and harmonious co-founder relationship.
A few additional strategies for effective communication in co-founder relationships include:
- Seek win-win solutions: Approach conflicts as opportunities for collaboration and compromise. Look for solutions that address both partners’ concerns and interests.
- Establish regular check-ins: Schedule regular meetings or check-ins to openly discuss concerns, share feedback, and address potential conflicts before they escalate.
- Seek professional support if needed: Consider involving a neutral third party, such as a mediator or business coach, to facilitate communication and provide guidance in resolving conflicts.
By consciously implementing these strategies, co-founders can reduce the presence of the ‘Four Horsemen’, foster healthier communication patterns, and build a stronger partnership.
Source: https://www.gottman.com/love-lab/
Book: The Seven Principles for making marriage work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
Authored by: Riti V. Srivastava
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